Just checked my last couple/few published poems. There is a reason for all the darkness. My partner of 20 years passed (was cured they say in Alzheimer’s circles) almost a month ago. I’d been caring for Jill the lions’ share of the time for a couple of years, as she slowly then suddenly declined. I was her sole caregiver (other than hospice helpers and nurses that would drop in for an hour or two most days) since November. I had lost my mother in October. Might lose the house. Helluva year.

At the end, the only thing resembling the Jill that I fell in love with all those years ago was her occasional smile and the light in her eyes. She loved the hospice ladies, and when she stopped showing them any recognition, I knew it wasn’t good. I’ll forever treasure the morning I walked into her room and she looked up at me, smiled, and said “It’s nice to see you. I missed you” That was about two months back.

The time comes, she goes. You get humbling amounts of outreach, sympathy and empathy. For a bit. Neighbors dropping off food. Calls and messages from people, some quite honestly that I’d forgotten about. Reminds me of sitting with Jill, wondering where all the people that loved her 10 years ago, when she was first diagnosed, disappeared to. Alzheimer’s is lonely. People don’t know what to say or do, so they slowly fade into the background, then out of sight. I’ll tell you now, if you find yourself in that situation, what you say and do is be a friend. Jill knew she was losing herself, and had to wonder where her people had gone. I can’t imagine the fear of losing yourself coupled with all of a sudden being alone with that fear most of the time

Now she’s at peace I’m so grateful for that, but my life and insides have been torn apart. So many years, so many relationships layers, too many emotions.

ttyl