Poetry, Random Ramblings and Rants

Going dark

to avoid downward spiral

On transmogrifying spiral staircase

Not always easy

Morning has usually dispelled the charging shadows

by the time I get up

So I have to look inwardly

for another time another place

for me

I can hide inside the sunshine

but also still see myself

Metaphoric hollow statue

Reflective of tragedy

and harmony

Points in the continuum

That count against themselves

Doomscrolling the day away

adulting not to be done today

I remember back in the the ’80s

& how the cold war didn’t bother me

Was much more interested in

the circus that was my life

& investigating the current sin

Way back then I thought

I’d be gone by now

Somehow…

couldn’t foresee waking upon

a dysfunctional new reality

shit show carnival

Everyday

God, I’m too old for Armageddon

my willingness to survive

ain’t quite what she used to be

Everywhere

I’m looking, don’t like what I see

All I want

is the freedom to be Free

The “lines on my face and hands” Alice sang about on “18” 

have made their way into my reality

Spent so much time to get so little done

Blinded by too much visionary to see

I’d say there must be a reason I’m here but life has never made much sense; even tho I’ve paid my penitence Buddha’s first noble truth

latched on early in my youth

Story of my experience

crumbles into a pile of surrendered grandiose unrelatative-ness

Ah, alone drifting through space and calling it hell

Plunging thru nightmares 

dreaming of wishing myself well

Awash in darkness and apathy

Sun shine outside

Doesn’t tempt me from my crypt

The desire to hold things no longer here

embraces like a smallpox blanket

and what happens when the right thing to do

doesn’t seem to matter anymore

and doing what I want to do loiters on the edge of effort I don’t want to expend

Pushing thru another day from my fucking couch unwilling to reach out for understanding ears

Don’t preach to me about loftiness and light I can see them from here

but I believe they are frightened by

what used to be my fears

Doomscrolling the day away

adulting not to be done today

I remember back in the the ’80s

& how the cold war didn’t bother me

Was much more interested in

the circus that was my life

& investigating the current sin

Way back then I thought

I’d be gone by now

couldn’t foresee waking upon

a dysfunctional new reality

shit show nitemare somehow…

Everyday

God, I’m too old for Armageddon

my willingness to survive

ain’t quite what she used to be

Everywhere

I’m looking, don’t like what I see

All I want

is the freedom to be Free

Burning and crashing

Don’t feel like a phoenix

Imbalance

Inside, outside, and inside out

Retesting my nesting…

That oasis was somewhere… around  here

Faith is belief in the unseen

What I currently see

leans toward negating

what there is left

to have faith in

Y’know like the light at the end of the tunnel being a train

Sunshine still more welcoming than rain

but I’m swimming uphill

Don’t miss my addictions

The pleasure melded into afflictions

So fucking long ago

I’ve ridden out so many storms

Thought it had toughened me up

Until you slowly then suddenly

Went away

Now I have no functioning norms

And a great big empty

Where you used to be

Your Ikea Death Star is here

Maybe you can finally take a break

from trying to keep up with the clowns

Yes, I tend to believe that a little independence would be good

Clear your head with non forgiving stick figures

and separating the A’s, B’s and C’s

maybe the H1-B ‘s while we’re at it

Let the qualified decide

What’s best for us…

I mean, you never know,

Perhaps you’ll improve the Ikea Death Star and become a billionaire too

I grew up in Pennsyltucky. Thanksgiving was a 5 day weekend. Thursday, Friday, the regular weekend followed by the first day of buck season. Wednesday night was a clusterfuck. Kids back from college. Hunters from Pittsburgh. Visiting relatives. My little hometown bars were 5, 6 people deep to get served. I may love you and love to see you, but you’re getting in my fucking way. You know those people that have month long birthdays? My holiday season started with Labor Day, my birthday, Halloween, the current subject of this prose, followed by Christmas and then another year shot to hell. So at that time in my life, let’s not give sobriety a chance to raise it’s ugly head, shall we? Then Thanksgiving day found me looking for a party that was generally no where to be found. Or at some place where I’d temporarily worn out my welcome. Maybe stop in for a beer and make holiday wishes to a gathering of unfamiliar family at a bar where I was invited to stop by for aforementioned beer…

This year Thanksgiving Eve finds me sitting “home”. Alone.  Sober 30 years. Mourning the loss of Jill, my partner of 20 years. She got her wings about 4 months ago. I’d been her main caregiver, and even though I knew it was coming, it’s been devastating. Most days I wake up (if I’ve slept) and the first conscious thought I have is that she’s no longer here. So “starting” my day feeling empty and broken hasn’t quite put me in any kind of holiday spirit. Not looking for sympathy. Or empathy. Not even trying to explain how I feel. It’s more of an expression of what, in essence is beyond satisfactory description. Cuz if I keep it inside too long, my head, heart and soul express the desire to explode. Or implode. And I genuinely fear what I know my demons are capable of…

So, world at large, just listen and hold on to me, don’t try to fix it. The way I’ve been feeling you might get hit with a fucking shovel. Why is that so hard to understand? Don’t know what to say? Then don’t say anything, just let me know you’re there…

Why are there socks in the kitchen?Are they coming or going laundry?

Future or returning

Where does anything start or end?

And what starts the inevitable end

My partner is dying

She’s suffered long enough

still I don’t want to let go

I lost my mother in October

now this

The universe must think I’m tougher

than I believe myself to be

my love, our dog and I

Stuffed into this hospital bed

in this sacred time

Listening to her breath

dreading the whisper of the final one

Captivated by

Unspeakable sadness

and disdain I want to surrender

for those that have left

Us alone 

Through these past few years

Such a beautiful woman

inside and out

I tell her she’s the best thing

to ever happen to me

I’ve learned so much about myself

The road has been uneven,

bumpy, up and down

But it’s where we’re supposed to be

I’m convinced

with a thread of uncertainty

That certain thread that’s woven into everything