Poetry, Random Ramblings and Rants

Burning and crashing

Don’t feel like a phoenix

Imbalance

Inside, outside, and inside out

Retesting my nesting…

That oasis was somewhere… around  here

Faith is belief in the unseen

What I currently see

leans toward negating

what there is left

to have faith in

Y’know like the light at the end of the tunnel being a train

Sunshine still more welcoming than rain

but I’m swimming uphill

Don’t miss my addictions

The pleasure melded into afflictions

So fucking long ago

I’ve ridden out so many storms

Thought it had toughened me up

Until you slowly then suddenly

Went away

Now I have no functioning norms

And a great big empty

Where you used to be

Your Ikea Death Star is here

Maybe you can finally take a break

from trying to keep up with the clowns

Yes, I tend to believe that a little independence would be good

Clear your head with non forgiving stick figures

and separating the A’s, B’s and C’s

maybe the H1-B ‘s while we’re at it

Let the qualified decide

What’s best for us…

I mean, you never know,

Perhaps you’ll improve the Ikea Death Star and become a billionaire too

I grew up in Pennsyltucky. Thanksgiving was a 5 day weekend. Thursday, Friday, the regular weekend followed by the first day of buck season. Wednesday night was a clusterfuck. Kids back from college. Hunters from Pittsburgh. Visiting relatives. My little hometown bars were 5, 6 people deep to get served. I may love you and love to see you, but you’re getting in my fucking way. You know those people that have month long birthdays? My holiday season started with Labor Day, my birthday, Halloween, the current subject of this prose, followed by Christmas and then another year shot to hell. So at that time in my life, let’s not give sobriety a chance to raise it’s ugly head, shall we? Then Thanksgiving day found me looking for a party that was generally no where to be found. Or at some place where I’d temporarily worn out my welcome. Maybe stop in for a beer and make holiday wishes to a gathering of unfamiliar family at a bar where I was invited to stop by for aforementioned beer…

This year Thanksgiving Eve finds me sitting “home”. Alone.  Sober 30 years. Mourning the loss of Jill, my partner of 20 years. She got her wings about 4 months ago. I’d been her main caregiver, and even though I knew it was coming, it’s been devastating. Most days I wake up (if I’ve slept) and the first conscious thought I have is that she’s no longer here. So “starting” my day feeling empty and broken hasn’t quite put me in any kind of holiday spirit. Not looking for sympathy. Or empathy. Not even trying to explain how I feel. It’s more of an expression of what, in essence is beyond satisfactory description. Cuz if I keep it inside too long, my head, heart and soul express the desire to explode. Or implode. And I genuinely fear what I know my demons are capable of…

So, world at large, just listen and hold on to me, don’t try to fix it. The way I’ve been feeling you might get hit with a fucking shovel. Why is that so hard to understand? Don’t know what to say? Then don’t say anything, just let me know you’re there…

Why are there socks in the kitchen?Are they coming or going laundry?

Future or returning

Where does anything start or end?

And what starts the inevitable end

My partner is dying

She’s suffered long enough

still I don’t want to let go

I lost my mother in October

now this

The universe must think I’m tougher

than I believe myself to be

my love, our dog and I

Stuffed into this hospital bed

in this sacred time

Listening to her breath

dreading the whisper of the final one

Captivated by

Unspeakable sadness

and disdain I want to surrender

for those that have left

Us alone 

Through these past few years

Such a beautiful woman

inside and out

I tell her she’s the best thing

to ever happen to me

I’ve learned so much about myself

The road has been uneven,

bumpy, up and down

But it’s where we’re supposed to be

I’m convinced

with a thread of uncertainty

That certain thread that’s woven into everything

Just checked my last couple/few published poems. There is a reason for all the darkness. My partner of 20 years passed (was cured they say in Alzheimer’s circles) almost a month ago. I’d been caring for Jill the lions’ share of the time for a couple of years, as she slowly then suddenly declined. I was her sole caregiver (other than hospice helpers and nurses that would drop in for an hour or two most days) since November. I had lost my mother in October. Might lose the house. Helluva year.

At the end, the only thing resembling the Jill that I fell in love with all those years ago was her occasional smile and the light in her eyes. She loved the hospice ladies, and when she stopped showing them any recognition, I knew it wasn’t good. I’ll forever treasure the morning I walked into her room and she looked up at me, smiled, and said “It’s nice to see you. I missed you” That was about two months back.

The time comes, she goes. You get humbling amounts of outreach, sympathy and empathy. For a bit. Neighbors dropping off food. Calls and messages from people, some quite honestly that I’d forgotten about. Reminds me of sitting with Jill, wondering where all the people that loved her 10 years ago, when she was first diagnosed, disappeared to. Alzheimer’s is lonely. People don’t know what to say or do, so they slowly fade into the background, then out of sight. I’ll tell you now, if you find yourself in that situation, what you say and do is be a friend. Jill knew she was losing herself, and had to wonder where her people had gone. I can’t imagine the fear of losing yourself coupled with all of a sudden being alone with that fear most of the time

Now she’s at peace I’m so grateful for that, but my life and insides have been torn apart. So many years, so many relationships layers, too many emotions.

ttyl

She’s gone

like the wind

hope it’s a gentle breeze

Wherever she is now

Somehow this cluttered house

With my “tornado just came thru” decor

Feels oddly, coldly vacant

within it’s conflagration

It echoes with melancoly

You were

So much

More than a part of me

Wondering just who I’ll be

After I stumble into

whatever comes next

Heart is broken and heavy

brain attempting to vacate

the current version of reality

Orbital structures keep disseminating tears

Don’t want to hear

I have an angel waiting in heaven

Don’t need to hear

I did a good job caring for you

Very much aware of the sentiments;

As they are slamming

      impacting with force

My

Postulations and their minions

Will I miss you

When both of us are gone

Will you miss me

When we no longer rage against the dawn

Or the other machines

that tried to grind us down

When my cynical sacrilegious-ness

has launched it’s last sardonic clown And your inherent sugary sweetness

is sadly no longer around?

The house is quiet

but for the clickety clack

of the dog’s nails

otherwise padding softly

‘cross the floor

I’ll turn to Music soon

Something angry

hyper rhythmic beat

Something rough and tumble enough

to calm the beast

Tactile shadows sweetly sweep in

Palate etched with bittersweet sketchings of pain

Brain convulsing with an unseen but observable

ugliness I shan’t explain

Moving forward

Through hight width depth

and time

Towards what some call destiny

Where I see

endless intersecting circles

Never quite the same

but familiar

excepting the final destinations

that go by the names of Life

and Death