Poetry, Random Ramblings and Rants

Just checked my last couple/few published poems. There is a reason for all the darkness. My partner of 20 years passed (was cured they say in Alzheimer’s circles) almost a month ago. I’d been caring for Jill the lions’ share of the time for a couple of years, as she slowly then suddenly declined. I was her sole caregiver (other than hospice helpers and nurses that would drop in for an hour or two most days) since November. I had lost my mother in October. Might lose the house. Helluva year.

At the end, the only thing resembling the Jill that I fell in love with all those years ago was her occasional smile and the light in her eyes. She loved the hospice ladies, and when she stopped showing them any recognition, I knew it wasn’t good. I’ll forever treasure the morning I walked into her room and she looked up at me, smiled, and said “It’s nice to see you. I missed you” That was about two months back.

The time comes, she goes. You get humbling amounts of outreach, sympathy and empathy. For a bit. Neighbors dropping off food. Calls and messages from people, some quite honestly that I’d forgotten about. Reminds me of sitting with Jill, wondering where all the people that loved her 10 years ago, when she was first diagnosed, disappeared to. Alzheimer’s is lonely. People don’t know what to say or do, so they slowly fade into the background, then out of sight. I’ll tell you now, if you find yourself in that situation, what you say and do is be a friend. Jill knew she was losing herself, and had to wonder where her people had gone. I can’t imagine the fear of losing yourself coupled with all of a sudden being alone with that fear most of the time

Now she’s at peace I’m so grateful for that, but my life and insides have been torn apart. So many years, so many relationships layers, too many emotions.

ttyl

She’s gone

like the wind

hope it’s a gentle breeze

Wherever she is now

Somehow this cluttered house

With my “tornado just came thru” decor

Feels oddly, coldly vacant

within it’s conflagration

It echoes with melancoly

You were

So much

More than a part of me

Wondering just who I’ll be

After I stumble into

whatever comes next

Heart is broken and heavy

brain attempting to vacate

the current version of reality

Orbital structures keep disseminating tears

Don’t want to hear

I have an angel waiting in heaven

Don’t need to hear

I did a good job caring for you

Very much aware of the sentiments;

As they are slamming

      impacting with force

My

Postulations and their minions

Will I miss you

When both of us are gone

Will you miss me

When we no longer rage against the dawn

Or the other machines

that tried to grind us down

When my cynical sacrilegious-ness

has launched it’s last sardonic clown And your inherent sugary sweetness

is sadly no longer around?

The house is quiet

but for the clickety clack

of the dog’s nails

otherwise padding softly

‘cross the floor

I’ll turn to Music soon

Something angry

hyper rhythmic beat

Something rough and tumble enough

to calm the beast

Tactile shadows sweetly sweep in

Palate etched with bittersweet sketchings of pain

Brain convulsing with an unseen but observable

ugliness I shan’t explain

Moving forward

Through hight width depth

and time

Towards what some call destiny

Where I see

endless intersecting circles

Never quite the same

but familiar

excepting the final destinations

that go by the names of Life

and Death

it feels like there’s someone else here

i count, 1, 2….

maybe in the basement

maybe in my head

my life is full of endemic strangeness

and dread

not complaining

trying to find explanation

through expression

peace of mind isn’t prevalent

in the midst of regression

the veil of obstruct silence

suffocates like a shroud

separate emotions

quietly screaming so loud

You sabotage your own creation

With a smile and a kick

a frown and a kiss

you were never fond

of any of this

and how do you respond?

Bitch and complain

about what life has done to you

Maybe you should light a candle

to the patron saint

of Eeyore-ness

and see what you can see

and way too often

these ministrations

encapsulate me

into subdued purgatory

until cocoon bursts flamingly

into something resembling poetry

Slam hammering

Having heart torn to pieces

In front, inside

Anger boils up

through the tears

not alone

more than lonely

Out back, still inside

Questioning the omnipresence

of the presumed

spiritual guide

legislating

this reckless ride

and 

Who’s navigating

and

to what metaphysical end

Karmic repentance

to pay for the privilege

of sacrilege

Lacking horns

as well as crown of thorns

Ready or not for it

Pyre soon to be lit

Slam hammering

left to pick up all the pieces

Everything will be ok

tell myself then I pray

hoping the multiverse

can find it’s wayward way

to seeing things that way

… today

Heros on welfare

it’s hard to hold a job

or anything

when you don’t know

what day it is

Im stranger than many a stranger

I was cultivated Outside The Great Outside

like a very feral kitten

And I’m still trying to figure this shit out

It’s hard to feel special

after being once bitten

reality has a smile, but that smile

has fangs

I’ve got hair

and wax

in my ears

A life full of imminent fears

Why aren’t we old

when we’re young

young enough to keep up with it?

Ah, the bills and the pills

the reoccurring aches

and  random pains

all that wonderful shit…

I was never good at looking ahead

so now I’m learning

to enjoy what I have

and giving less time to dread

I feel so peaceful

in this moment

drifting upon an almost magical

billowing stream

brought back  too soon

from this waking dream

by one of those random pains

and unwelcome

welcome doggie kisses

Gently  awash in spending time with you

and all that other stuff

we need to do