Poetry, Random Ramblings and Rants

Poison water, poison air

poison thought and poison lives

Seems we’ve forgotten

that we’re members of a common hive

Some preach about God

then make the reach

that they’re the chosen ones

living privileged lives

Unwinding logic with arrogance

skipping out on penitence

while pissing in the wishing well

claiming the rest of us

have a one way ticket to hell

on a speeding burning bus

as they put ‘”Love thy brother as thy self”

and “Judge not lest ye be judged”

somewhere on a darkened shelf

meanwhile I’m sitting in the sun

on a near perfect autumn day

proposing that the “Right Way”

Is what’s best for ALL of us

know very well I ain’t

no saint

or claiming some “new” land

like the “esteemed” Columbus

or a pilgrim laying out a feast

on some altruistic table

inviting friends at least

instead I can’t help feeling

humanity was a good idea

right up to Cain and Abel

It’s almost 2 AM

I’m not sleeping

I’m crying

And dying a little in my weeping

Too much tragedy

Too much loss

Too much pain

For a man already

At the bottom of his game

I want to be invisible

Don’t want to be seen

Still I’d be divisible

‘cuz nothing is in between

& nothing is what I’ll become to you

LOOK MA! I’M NOTHING

TORN IN TWO!

I’m the right man for the job you say

It’s brutal but beautiful pay

& Honey isn’t coming home

and never will

the one I love is disappearing still

To see her try to speak

w/ no affect

& no words forthcoming

just a heartbreaking blank stare

We both know she’s going

but no one can say where

A moment of midnight

“Hey, look guys!”…

the pain comes shining through

Sanity fades from sight

& no one knows why I’m blue?

No, no one knows

What makes me blue

Sitting alone in the dark

thinking about what I had

until the theory went bad

Staring

out

a window

Into the night

Impulsive, this always hungry shark

No sense of Wrong or Right

& can you tell me the difference?

It’s not black or grey or white,

dawn midnight twilight

Only shades of blue,

shades of blue

No one knows just what we had

something went bad

‘cuz now you’re sad for

or mad at me

A chain of pain

I try to forge a key I’ll try to be content

I’ll try to be content

like a cat sleeping in the sun

I’ll try to be charming

I’ll try to be fun

the future can be alarming

a moment from midnight

what’s done is done

Moments in midnight

tell me about Wrong and Right

impulsive always hunting shark

swimming alone in the dark

a moment from midnight

Crystal birds

Blasting sunshine 

I’m drifting way past sleep

Sometimes mourning 

Comes when morning comes

Oneself must give oneself 

Time to weep

& Sometimes nothing comes

 & nothing goes

Find myself staring

Into empty space with 

nothing to give or keep 

The Cacophony Calliope

Never slows

Shaman drumming ancient vibrations

Calling from within the deep

Dimly lit cavernous echoes

Of perceptive cellular memories 

I watch the world

And wonder how many stop

To feel what lies beneath 

The surging surface emotions 

That we act upon 

It’s sad, we could be so much more

if we tried to reach that unseen door

Strange delivery

a smiling girl

a smiling sun

in a crystal sky

Summers’ Divinity

A pleasant breeze

Flowing hair

laying in the grass

heated air

Silken touch

childlike innocence

shining eyes

Under flowing hair

Give to me

Let me see

your Summer’s Divinity

Beaches and tans

lovers holding hands

Heaven’s golden stair

on flowing heated air

A ravaging wolf is Howling at the moon

Swallowing darkness in the hunt

Passion driven blood lust

Hunger hunt or mate to find?

Caterpillar, weave your womb

Emerge a butterfly

from the tomb

Graceful wings of God’s device

Gifted to live twice

To also see God

in a bird in flight

in summer starlight

Whispered in the wind

Never to recind…

Worship life

I abandoned aspiration

Somewhere

in an off-white hall

Then

Last night

Poets held court in the park

& somewhere

Among the red blue and green

Haired leather

A spark or two awoke,

Danced w/ punks junkies

& other assorted fans

Of the darkness

That gives light to art

I know what the monkey can do

Got my share of demons too

Smokey shadows of shattered

mirror dreams

I look forward to the past

Hoping to find

The piece that’ll make me whole

The peace that fits

Where I

Tore out my soul

The other day was a beautiful day. 83° low humidity. Jill rightfully wanted to go out for a while. We started on a drive, ostensibly to Princeton. On the way, I mentioned that there is a nature park pretty close to home. She agreed to a walk, so we pulled into… Crystal Lake Park. With a mindful eye kept for Jason, we got out of the car and started our walk. We passed a sign notifying all that the park was closed dusk to dawn. Now I’m thinking “Great, vampires too.” There’s a nice paved walking jogging and biking path running through the woods, and since I didn’t have bug spray in the car, we decided to opt for that path as opposed to the ones that were just mowed spots along the woods and fields. Neither of us is in great shape, and I’m still recovering from knee replacement surgery, and walking with a cane. Moseying along, we find a shady spot with a wood railed fence overlooking a small ravine, so we stop to take a look. I’m mentioning something about wildlife when I noticed a beautiful dark butterfly. I pointed it out to Jill, and another one comes to view. Then another. Sometime between that and me running out of fingers to count with, Jill turns to me and asks “Do you have children?” For those of you that are lacking in knowledge of my present history, Jill has Alzheimer’s. And we’ve been together for close to 20 years. After answering, “No” and reflecting on being asked a question usually reserved for a first or second date by someone who once upon a time knew all about me… It’s so sad

Then I think about how things could be so very different. No ex wife, no ligation over alimony or child support. And the butterflies keep coming. Jill wants to go, so we amble back to the car. Jill, of course, wanders towards the wrong car, then gets in the driver’s seat of our car. It takes a little bit to coax her out and into the passenger’s side, and I ask if she knows that she can’t drive, she answers in the affirmative, with a mournful yes that breaks my heart a little bit more. She was so independent, creative and adventurous when we met.

After asking what felt like 57 times with no answer, I made an executive decision and headed for Princeton. Driving through town was very strange. I lived there 28 years ago, and we both spent a lot of time there back in the day. It was so, so different. What used to be here was gone or something else, over and over. Some of the old places were still there, but it was still a little surreal and sad. At the same time, there are a lot of happy and fond memories attached to the town. It reminded me of the butterflies and the changes they go through. I chose to take the longer more scenic route home after we decided not to take a walk. Meandering towards home, it occurs to me how Alzheimer’s is like a butterfly in reverse. You start with a beautiful creature and sadly watch as they retreat slowly into a cocoon, losing themselves and the things that made them enjoy life. It’s painful and frightening to have to stand by watching, knowing that there’s not much you can do. I can’t even begin to imagine what it feels like from the other side. Jill’s still aware that she’s losing herself, and she’s scared and confused a lot. She’s always telling me “I’ve got to figure out what’s going on…”

So I guess in a way, I’m always watching butterflies.

Greg,

What was your last living thought?

You went so peacefully, quietly

the way it should be done

but not at 28

It’s so very hard to think of you

as Not

So different, you and I

We were a gentle riot

you and me

You were such

a gentle giant

Always had a minute for fun

you’ll always be Great to me

Don’t think I’ll ever see you smile

Again

So if you get restless

Come see me once in a while

my friend

I miss you more, as the daze go by

Almost been here or there before

I’m still mad at you

& it’s still sad

I couldn’t cry as you walked out that final door

but I love you, Brother

& you’ll never be just another

Another dead friend

Somewhat

Like a midnight mystery lover

w/ the drug things we had to do

undercover

we understood each other

My errant almost twin

Soul Brother